do you remember what downloading porn with a 14k modem was like?
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
Randomize
