New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
See it, we're so close, i smell your vagisil
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
im ready to get drunk and forget everything ive learned this semester
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
Randomize
