Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize