Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
if by 'bottleservice' you mean 'bringing beers in my purse' then yes, we are.
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
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