bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
I did that thing again where I get way too drunk and go gay. Then wake up in the morning and freak out at the person. Yet another bar I cannot go back to
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
Randomize
