Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
Randomize
