Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
Say something about gay babies.
AHHHH!!! note to self never google image chastity belt omfg
No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
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