I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
Would you rather have a 10 inch but pencil thin penis or a 2 inch very fat one?
Fat, it's not about touching the bottom it's about raising hell of the sides.
and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
Did you get drunk last night? You put Christian lyrics as your fb status again.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
Randomize
