Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
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