Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
Just watched a UNI fan at the bar lick the tears off of a KU fans face.. See what march madness does to people
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Randomize
