i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
Randomize
