I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
Randomize
