I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
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