I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
i don't remember her name, but i don't need it unless we decide to hook up again. but even then, i can get away with not knowing it for a while. it's not like we have actual conversations.
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
Randomize
