you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
I really shouldn't be this use to hearing "YOURE THAT GIRL?!?!"
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
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