So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
hes a good boy he deserves a good blow
Februarys looking very promising in the vaginal department
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
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