I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
Randomize
