Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
Randomize
