If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
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