To think... Somewhere, too drunk by buckcherry is someone's theme song
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
Randomize
