I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
I didn't expect the hobit to have that much sexual tension.
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