How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
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