Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
His mom told be she once got turned down for playboy. 1 biggest mistake Hugh made. 2 is she hitting on me?
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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