I will die if light touches me.
The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
Take advantage man but know that every anal bead u drop inside her will make her love u 2% more. It's science
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
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