I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
There is a time and place for BDSM, in-between disney sing-alongs is not one of them.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Randomize
