Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
Randomize
