I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
That's the last time we joust in Radio Flyer wagons after margarita night.
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
