I don't usually arrange sex via text message
During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
Would you and/or him be willing to dress up like the phantom, sing me music of the night and then bone the shit out of me? this is important.
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
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