you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
My feet surprised me
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
Randomize
