Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
i told him i was gay. he said that gay guys are supposed to be pretty.
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
curled up in a ball on my bed listening to my "cuddle with a boy" playlist. prettty high.
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
Randomize
