I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
i remember too much of last night for it to have been successful
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
I think I'm too tall to 69 successfully.
I think I might cry.
It was a shot marathon. It only ended because we werent drinking in our house apparently we walked into the nieghbors. When they got home thy were soooooo pissed.
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
Randomize
