Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
they just got in argument over who had more of your dick pics. quit sending shit to my sisters fucker
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