Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
If I don't come back from Italy with aids I did somethign wrong
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
well we woke up in different beds than the ones we originally fell asleep in, you were butt naked, and your boyfriend was sleeping on a cot in the middle of the kitchen. that might be why he's mad.
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
Randomize
