i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
he somehow instantly knew i was from vermont.
it probably had something to do with chasing your soco with maply syrup.
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
I just put up a picture on my dorm room wall of that ginger you hooked up with to remind myself that everyone makes mistakes
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
Why can I remember how tall Nicki Minaj is from looking up her height once months ago, yet after weeks into the semester I can't even remember where any my classrooms are located
Importance
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize
