***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
