She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
I should have but it might be too early in this fuckbuddyship to emasculate him
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
Okay, I just got to our real hotel and the YMCA may have been a better choice. A man w/ no shirt on
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
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