somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
I woke up on karas dogs bed. Lets evaluate our lives.
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
Randomize
