Maybe you should have studied instead of worrying about who is going to have sex with you
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
Randomize