Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
