Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
i just called. the lady was really nice. something tells me my schools clinic gets a lot of calls about chlamydia
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
Randomize
