She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
This is the first time since last march I'm gonna be going to a class for more reasons than wanting to bone the girl sitting next to me.
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
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