I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
so an orgy is about to happen in the next room if you wondered where i am currently at in life
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
you don't need to worry about using proper grammar if you're asking for the size of his dick.
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
