I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
Its like he woke the dragon, and the dragon is hungry for a good dick.
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
It was a blind-side dick pic.
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
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