when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
Randomize