Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
I'm not saying we can't have sex tonight, I'm just saying we have to work it around Lost.
Pregaming for shuffle board at 10 AM. I love spring break.
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
is it still considered wake n bake if you wake up at 2 pm?
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
