yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
it's ok, no one ever died fom being sticky.
i've gotta research that and get back to you.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
Randomize
