I can't watch pbs sober anymore
My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
Drunk
Deyhxbr
Fucaerrrrr
Found the puke drawer
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
Randomize