He wanted to take me out and said we could "go huntin in the woods."
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
She is a fish and this place is a barrel. I can play this game.
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Randomize
