the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
Can Purell be used as lube?
he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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