And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
it got awkward when the only couple not hooking up was just watching..
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
