Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
Randomize