I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
Randomize
