i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
Well the "Blackout with your sack out" party turned out predictably.
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
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