The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
You threw up. And every time you flushed you would wave and go "Bye Bye!" and then when the new water came you would greet it with "Helloooo!"
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
Randomize
