So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
Walking back to my car from the campus library and just saw a Nuva Ring on the sidewalk. If that doesn't scream college life, idk what does.
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
