she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
Pregaming for shuffle board at 10 AM. I love spring break.
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
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