I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
Randomize
