as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
you busted in the room, ripped the covers off of us, ... and fist pumped
better to have posed nude and lost than to never have posed nude at all...thats what i always say
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
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