Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
In other news, I just burned my penis
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
this is the second night in a row i've fucked a guy i met on craigslist. and it wasn't even a post for sex. i posted a housing ad. A HOUSING AD
Randomize
