Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
Also, I imagined that his bacne was bubblewrap and that made it much more tolerable
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
Wtf. So apparently this 5 star establishment doesn't allow strip putt putt in the parking lot. We all just got kicked out of our rooms.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
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