I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
Just because you're using the Hipstamatic app for your nude photo taking, it doesn't make your drunken blowjob pics any classier.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported.
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
In the store looking for it now. They put the theatre/script section right next to the gay erotica section. Rude. Practical, but rude.
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
Randomize
