Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
So High I just made Cadbury Coffee. I don't know what it is yet, but it involves Cadbury Eggs and coffee.
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
You have to summon your inner elephant
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
Are you going to regret this?
No I do t think so
Ok then he can enter the holy dorm temple.
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
Randomize
