I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
So at this point...I'm sure you heard the story about Saturday night
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
Basically we had a threesome in one room and a fivesome in the next room. Its what I like to call a win win situation.
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
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