If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
Tell her that we understand the angle wasn't the best on the first video and that we forgive her.
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
Randomize
